Yay...the year is ending. Not that it´s been a bad year, but there is always a promise of something better.

Looking back at the (few) posts I´ve done here this year I must come off as a manic depressive or something. Maybe I am. I just go with whatever emotion I´m wrapped up in at the moment.
I´m slowly making this my home and I´ve been starting to post at other places around the LJ-sphere.

I got the Jock Sturges book "The Last Day of Summer" for christmas and I love it. I have found a line in the opening essay by Jayne Anne Phillips that I have fallen in love with.

In every moment, we are animals and angels, approaching the light of redemption with an intrinsic fear of flame.

May your new year be filled with the things you miss the most.

I am falling apart. I can´t find the pause-button. All I can do is drift aimlessly til I hit a rock or something.

Where is my bubblegum-angel who can breath into my mouth?
I am cursed. Everything I am is so unclean. I want the girl with the innocent eyes. Alice, Lolita, Lilith, are you out there?

I had the most wonderful dream last night.

I dreamed that I woke up and went out to the livingroom. Here I sat down on the couch next to my wife and my mom. O.o
Just as I sat down this little girl comes up to me and sits down in my lap. She was about nine or ten years old and the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. The kind of ethereal beauty that can only be seen in a child.
She had exquisite features and long brown hair that nicely framed her little face.

I felt as if I knew her or at least recognized her, but I am positive that I have never seen her outside that dream.

Anyway, she turns her face towards me and kisses me on the lips. Just smack on the mouth. :O
She withdraws and give me a quick smile and then she leans in and kisses me again. This time she keeps her lips pressed against mine and sticks her little tiny tongue in my mouth.

I remember thinking that I was afraid my wife would see us...and then I woke up.

Raspberry tongue
moist lips embracing
life is new

I was thinking about E today. I miss her so much.
Everyday I go through my spamfolder just to see if maybe there is a misplaced email from her.
There never is.

It´s been over six months now and I still don´t understand what went wrong.
She was so happy the last time we met.
Will I ever get over her?

I love you princess.


Good-bye, Prinzessin by Gottfreid Helnwein.

First post. First impression.
So much pressure. I feel watched and alone.

We had a huge storm today. It felt refreshing.
I saw a trafficsign with a big concretefoot laying on the ground.
Maybe it wasn´t because of the wind, but I expected to have a tree fall on my head.

Yesterday I wrote something down when I woke up.

I dreamed of snow
and black feathers falling.
Tarred and tainted feathers falling,
torn in part by siren´s calling.
Scorned but soothed by the snow.

All quiet ´cept that lonely call,
starting fires in my heart and loins.
Instigated by desire erupts the fire in my loins,
fueled by memories of joys.
Scorched but soothed by the call.

Ashes falling with the snow,
no longer can I hear the calling.
No more fires from the siren´s calling.
Only soot and ashes falling,
buried under soothing snow.


What happens if nobody reads my journal?
Will it still matter?